Late Night Thoughts

Its amazing how much things can change.
How a single thing can completely change your view on life, as if to take you and pull you back for a moment to re-examine everything.

Ive made so many changes... leaving almost everything i knew behind and going back to who i am supposed to be.

I'm done changing for other people, and I'm done sacrificing my own happiness for others.

I'm moving back out on my own... which is a little scary, but i know without a doubt that i will be happier for it. Its just taking the first steps that has always been the hardest for me.

 Ive made so many changes to make other people happy with me. Done things I really regret, things so completely against my morals, just to postpone what ended up to be inevitable. I can't ever let that happen again, i know this now.

There is so much i am still unsure of, decisions i have to make that I'm honestly a little afraid to. But i know this is for the best... i just need to remind myself of this sometimes.

Ive spent so long trying to hide parts of myself, so afraid of being rejected for it. I'm not used to being accepted so completely, and I'm honestly unsure how to feel about this. But i have found that anyone who has found out about everything is gone within 3 months... without fail... i wonder if this time will be different. I really hope so, but I've seen the past repeat itself so many times...

But i guess its time for me to spread my wings a little and fly.

-Ren Kanade

its amaizing how things change
and yet i'll never stop talking about things changing.

i've moved in with the man i love.
who'd have thought?

i don't know why life started looking up to me as much as it has.
but for once, i have nothing to complain about.

sometimes i still wanna go to the cliffs, just to see them.
sometimes i wonder what could have been.
but i know without a doub what i have now is better.

need to do a few things though
work on guitar,
fix my horn
play my horn
work out more...
you know eh?


i never thought i'd prove graham wrong.
but i know now i have
im not who i used to be,
and i couldnt be happier.

New post time.

listening to music. on break.

woo


you know... i worry... i still dunno what i can bring up and what i cant with him.
i really dont know what to say sometimes.
i dont wanna say anything to push him away.
because i love him.
more than i can ever say
i dunno why i worry.
i know he loves me, and i, him.













you know, so much has changed.
i'll never be perfect.
but i never thought i could reach the stage where i am now
i never thought i could be this happy.

i never know what to do sometimes
i worry too much
and i really need to stop



i dunno why i havnt been feeling so well latley
light headed
nausaus sometimes
numb other times

is something wrong with me?
i dunno


i feel like i should work on a new song or two...
try and clear my mind
i feel like... crying and fighting at the same time
and ive been having nightmares again...
that im being trapped
being choaked

sometimes i just... i dunno...



sometimes everything works out
and sometimes things dont...

i just wish i could clear my head.

wings

i never knew to expect this.
taeo messaged me, saying hes sorry, and saying that it was my fault...
fucking douche.
but what can you do?

ive been remembering a song i wrote, one that really reminds me of him.

and some changes too

guess its another day
where everything falls down
guess you dont have to say
you dont want me around
guess its the end of things
and this is what i've earned
i dont know anything
i guess i'll never learn

but i cant keep waiting
waiting for a change
and you'll keep on acting
acting so deranged
and you'll keep on saying
saying all your lies
and i'll keep on trying
trying to find out why.

guess things were never true
guess i was unaware
thought that i needed you
though you were never there
guess i was blind back then
i didnt understand
that all i needed was
someone to lend a hand

but i cant keep waiting
waiting for a change
and you'll keep on acting
acting so deranged
and you'll keep on saying
saying all your lies
and i'll keep on trying
trying to find out why.

you know i cant keep waiting
i need to spread my wings
and i cant keep pacing
its time im running free
and i guess i loved you
and i want you in my life
but i need my freedom
and you caused me too much strife

but now im done my waiting
cause you will never change
and you'll keep on acting
acting so deranged
and you'll keep on saying
saying all your lies
and i guess im saying
saying my last goodbye.

i will never understand the actions one takes in order to reach an almost impossible goal.
maybe we're just looking for what we can never find.
maybe we are just lost, wandering through the dark.
but whatever happens... we keep moving... hey?
we keep pushing through the dark.
but hey... what do i know?
i am what never will be. an idea, a hope, a dream, a figment never ment to be.

i've been thinking a lot
what do i want to do with my life?
right now im sitting at aubreys computer, writing. someone is singing falsetto upstairs (thank god im downstairs)

i dont think im ready to go back to school yet.
i still dont know what i actually want to do with my life yet, and i dont want to throw away money trying to figure it out.
i dont wanna go to school just to impress my family.
im actually happy working retail. is that so hard to believe?


on other news: i see my mum for the first time since i moved out. im actually scared.
will she comment on the fact i've gained some weight?
will she ask me about school?
will she tell me i shouldnt be happoy with where i am right now?

i'm happier than i have ever been.
i just hope she can see that.