i never know what to do sometimes
i worry too much
and i really need to stop



i dunno why i havnt been feeling so well latley
light headed
nausaus sometimes
numb other times

is something wrong with me?
i dunno


i feel like i should work on a new song or two...
try and clear my mind
i feel like... crying and fighting at the same time
and ive been having nightmares again...
that im being trapped
being choaked

sometimes i just... i dunno...



sometimes everything works out
and sometimes things dont...

i just wish i could clear my head.

wings

i never knew to expect this.
taeo messaged me, saying hes sorry, and saying that it was my fault...
fucking douche.
but what can you do?

ive been remembering a song i wrote, one that really reminds me of him.

and some changes too

guess its another day
where everything falls down
guess you dont have to say
you dont want me around
guess its the end of things
and this is what i've earned
i dont know anything
i guess i'll never learn

but i cant keep waiting
waiting for a change
and you'll keep on acting
acting so deranged
and you'll keep on saying
saying all your lies
and i'll keep on trying
trying to find out why.

guess things were never true
guess i was unaware
thought that i needed you
though you were never there
guess i was blind back then
i didnt understand
that all i needed was
someone to lend a hand

but i cant keep waiting
waiting for a change
and you'll keep on acting
acting so deranged
and you'll keep on saying
saying all your lies
and i'll keep on trying
trying to find out why.

you know i cant keep waiting
i need to spread my wings
and i cant keep pacing
its time im running free
and i guess i loved you
and i want you in my life
but i need my freedom
and you caused me too much strife

but now im done my waiting
cause you will never change
and you'll keep on acting
acting so deranged
and you'll keep on saying
saying all your lies
and i guess im saying
saying my last goodbye.

i will never understand the actions one takes in order to reach an almost impossible goal.
maybe we're just looking for what we can never find.
maybe we are just lost, wandering through the dark.
but whatever happens... we keep moving... hey?
we keep pushing through the dark.
but hey... what do i know?
i am what never will be. an idea, a hope, a dream, a figment never ment to be.

i've been thinking a lot
what do i want to do with my life?
right now im sitting at aubreys computer, writing. someone is singing falsetto upstairs (thank god im downstairs)

i dont think im ready to go back to school yet.
i still dont know what i actually want to do with my life yet, and i dont want to throw away money trying to figure it out.
i dont wanna go to school just to impress my family.
im actually happy working retail. is that so hard to believe?


on other news: i see my mum for the first time since i moved out. im actually scared.
will she comment on the fact i've gained some weight?
will she ask me about school?
will she tell me i shouldnt be happoy with where i am right now?

i'm happier than i have ever been.
i just hope she can see that.

i've been thinking
someone who is pretty much family. i shall call her Vala.
well she lost someone she loved about a month ago.
she lost the girl she loved.
you see... that girl, she died.
and i dont know how Vala still can keep going.
i know she must be heart broken.
i dont think, if i lost aubrey, i dont think id be able to just keep going like that.
he's become so important to me.
if he died... i just dont know what i would do. i love him. he means everything to me.


i never thought i would find someone like him.
i hope i never lose him.

Change

So i decided it was time for something new.
something that i could go back, read from the beginning... but without wanting to cry.
something for a fresh start.
why?
taeo is out of my life.
talon is out of my life
know who they are?
probably not.

why are things changing?
probably cause of this Man i know.
He has changed me.
I'm pretty sure it's for the better.
i'm more confidant.
im less afraid of the world
less afraid of my past
less caught up in my past.

i no longer lay awake shaking trying to sleep but caught up in memories

i no longer feel like i will always be alone

im not afraid of myself anymore.

bet you didn't know about that eh?

i wonder who will read this.

i wonder who will find this
and who i will tell.


why did i choose Ren Kanade as my pen name here?
why didnt i choose shadowstich?

well... Shadowstich... was made up in grade four. a combination of two of my favorite characters. Shadow the Hedgehog. and Stitch.
well... back then i couldn't spell.
it ended up fitting though.
shadow. because i felt like that was all i was. a shadow, something there, but never notticable. and it was where i was comfortable.
and stich. is a line of poetry.
need i say more?

who is Ren Kanade?
did you know last year that everything became too much for me?
that because of everything... my personality started dissociating.
becoming me, and Ren.
i fucking had a bit of post tramatic stress disorder.
and thats what happened.
if i couldnt handle something... i dissapeared, and she appeared.
does it still happen?
not usually
sometimes
but very rarley
its pretty much under controll now.

to all those who have had to deal with that? im sorry.

to all those who said that there was nothing wrong?
please remember that if i tried to tell you about things... i was trying to get help.
i was trying to heal.

but thats the past.
and there is nothing that can change it.
hakuna matatta

i never understood as much as i do now


where do things go from here?

well... im still working. training in more and more areas, and painting later tonight... yup... you heard me. painting.

Aubrey: its been 4 months and 14 days. and i couldnt be happier. i just hope you get better.

Kingsley: its been 3 years and aproximatly 3 months. you saved me, and then let me go, let me fall. but here i am. im not dead yet.

Eido- its been over 4 years. your my best friend. and words cant express everything i want to say about how much i care about you. i think the word that best describes things? _hug_

E. whatever happened? what changed? are we even friends anymore?

Ludwig: chances are you will never see this. but if you do? I'm sorry you brought out the worst in me, maybe its just who you are.

Taeo. You will never understand that you did what she did to you to me. but im gone, and your all alone. you could have done something, anything. but you made your choice. and i made mine.

Talon. i hope you didn't expect me to keep coming back forever. i hope you understand.

what more can i say?
when sometimes words seem inadiquit.
more blogging later.
ciao
Ren.